Achieving the Maximum From Your Relationship
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
It is safe to argue that not everyone has either a alcohol or drug problem. Nevertheless they may very well indeed experience relationship breakdown and the surrounding complexities that follow.
Here at Inexcess.tv, we are going to explore suggestions as to how we may help a relationship survive. Equally, those unfortunate not to, offer up-to-date support and guidance.
An overview would now be relevant in order to evaluate some of the intricacies in maintaining a successful, loving relationship. We will also explore other factors that can play key roles in determining the success of a relationship.
Hitherto, agony aunt Sally Brampton writes in the Sunday Times Supplement (3 05 09) on how to make your relationship work effectively.
As she determines, it is just not love that is required, ‘it takes a whole lot more to make a relationship work.’
Through her own admission Brampton has two failed marriages behind her, thus she can speak with some authority. She determines that she is now happily married to her third husband and of which she claims to take ‘an intense personal interest.’
Furthermore, Sally Brampton takes her readers right back to our formative relationship, that with of our parents, she stresses, ’some of us are taught rather better than others.’ That is the balance of human nature and behaviour.
From her own personal perspective and her early lessons in forming relationships. These were, most certainly not good experiences. She argues, ‘I was in such despair that I took myself off to therapy to learn how to undo some of my more destructive habits and responses. I am still learning and I still get things wrong (old habits die hard), but one thing I do know is that negative behaviours aren’t written in stone.’
Moreover, for Brampton she touches on the concept of reverse psychology after her epiphany experience. At this point, she identified that sometimes it is what a couple do not do as opposed to what they do that can enable and sustain a relationship.
From that point of view, she has devised her own ten point plan of ‘no-no’s.
Firstly, do not blame anyone else for the way we feel, in other words - take ownership.
Secondly, it is crucial not to try and change the other person. She describes this as the ‘if-only game. We simply cannot change another person.
Don’t use the word ‘you’, replace it with the word ‘I’
Take charge of your own feelings, as in, “I feel this when you do that”, rather than, “You did this and made me feel that way”. Say your husband (or wife; bad behaviour is gender-free) never helps out around the house.
Ban the words ‘never’ and ‘always’, Brampton suggests that these words appear accusatory. In addition she states both words are poisonous to a relationship. It is always crucial to appeal to someone’s better nature.
Sally also advises not to be defensive. It is important to always consider another persons point of view. This is more likely to be seen as a step forward as opposed to a step back.
Another useful trait would be not to sulk, silence can be seen as a mental punishment thus making conciliation nire impossible.
Donot prolong arguments an this may be seen as not being able to acept an apology.
In addition Brampton hints at not making assumptions with reference to other peoples behaviours. This is achievable if we ask our selves a few questions i.e. “How do I know if that’s really true? Am I overdramatising this?”
Your partner may be rubbish at any one given task, try not to interfere as this is not going to make your other half feel any better about themselves. Fundamentally, however, Brampton argues that one game couples like to play is withholding affection or sex, but the real casualty, often fatally wounded, is the relationship, as both people draw further apart. Another form of game-playing is victim. “I was only trying to help” is a subtle, manipulative form of control.
Finally, have some good old good manners. In other words treat the person how you as an individual would like to be treated.